You have got to be kidding

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes, 42 seconds

Yesterday, I got a glimpse into a world of which I am not a part of. That world is the one of children and parenting and it came in the form of a catalogue I received innocently in the mail.

Recently moved in to a new house, we have discovered that the postal service will forward a lot of mail to a new address. Something it won’t forward, however, is catalogues. Those are stubbornly shipped to the same address relentlessly, regardless who lives at the residency (us) or who had the initial interest in, say, expensive mail-order fruit (the people who lived here before).

One of the catalogues that came with our house is called One Step Ahead: Thoughtfully Selected Products To Help With Baby . . . Every Step Of The Way.

Its cover features freaking adorable toddlers put into crap-your-pants cute Halloween costumes against their will. Although constrained in a scarecrow costume and pumpkin suit and sitting on a scratchy bail of hay, the two youngsters seem to be having a wonderful time. (I won’t even get into the other photo on the cover that features a kid in a penguin suit. What’s remarkable is the real penguin in the photo’s foreground, making it appear like the kid was dropped into the penguin house at the zoo. Now that would be a reason to smile.)

Also included on the cover is the National Parenting Center Seal of Approval to give the catalogue some official clout.

The first few pages were unremarkable – more Halloween costumes, strollers and stroller accessories, blocks, bookshelves and various devices to lug kids around in. (Let me say this. Until your kid is old enough to express an interest in Halloween – the ability to talk should be one requirement – putting them in a costume should be treated the same in society as dressing up your pets. That is to say, it should be mocked and ridiculed.)

Three-quarters through the catalogue, in the section titled Safety was when things got ridiculous. It was a picture of a baby crawling on a floor wearing a large bulbous, diaper-looking helmet. The level of sheer absurdity and parental nonsense that allowed this helmet to exist nearly made me strangle myself dead.

Judging by this catalogue, undoubtedly profitable and sent to thousands of households, there are many parents who, on the surface, seem to be obsessed and fanatical with their children’s safety and the perceived dangers they face.

The safety products sorted out into four main categories:

1. Coverings for household items to prevent kids from curiously jamming fingers, heads or limbs into or through dangerous objects.

Items included:
· Computer box cover
· TV button cover
· DVD player cover
· Power strip cover
· Stove shield
· Individual oven knob shields
· Bundled cords tube
· Loose cord tube
· A lock for the controls on the blinds
· Doorknob deactivating shield
· Toilet paper roll clamp
· spring-loaded outlet protector

Item that took it too far: If the spring-loaded outlet protector wasn’t enough, there is a plastic box that covers the entire outlet and the plugs going to the wall, leaving nothing to chance (Grown adults can’t even figure out how to plug or unplug anything!)

2. Barriers

Items included:
· steel white bars to place in a window (He’ll never play Superman again!)
· plastic to put over the banister rails
· mesh to put over the deck rails
· steel gates
· retractable gates
· foldable mesh gates
· fire place gates
· pressure-mount gates
· gates to match your oak woodwork
· gates to section off entire expansive living spaces

Item that took it too far: The shopping cart cover, a padded donut three feet in diameter that is harnessed around a sitting child. The disc creates a 360-degree area that is soft, empty, and germ-free where the kid cannot touch or put his fingers on or through anything dangerous or dirty. From the looks of it, he won’t be able to move at all, save for his arms and perhaps maybe some light neck stretching. Who knew that shopping carts were such dirty safety hazards?

3. Locks, locks and . . . locks

Items included:
· magnetic locks
· screw-less self-adhesive locks
· toilet locks
· a lock for cabinet knobs (looks and works like The Club on a car)
· A harness that keeps baby strapped into the shopping cart (doubles as a leash to keep baby tethered in the event baby is let out of shopping cart)
· security straps that lock corner cabinets
· oven door locks
· For that one cabinet that your kid can still open herself, there’s a wedge to put by the hinges so her curious hands won’t get crushed.

Item that took it too far: A device to keep that pesky dresser locked against the wall so it won’t fall on the unsupervised toddler who uses the open drawers as steps.

4. Products that scare their way into your home

Items included:
· Mesh feeder to place food in so your baby doesn’t choke on fresh produce, “invented by a dad whose baby nearly died choking on a biscuit,” the catalogue touts.
· Extra-wide sun canopy for your stroller. “Careful: most stroller canopies still leave some tender skin exposed! Don’t take chances,” it explains.
· The crib blanket that looks like a combination of a vest and a sleeping bag that “eliminates the danger of loose crib blankets, which can deprive baby of fresh air – a suspected cause of SIDS,” warns the catalogue. The stay-put blanket is endorsed by Fist Candle/SIDS Alliance and is flame retardant, according to the catalogue. (I think the only retardant thing here is the fact that people see this item as a necessity.)
· The memory foam “sleep positioner” that elevates a baby’s head to prevent plagiocephaly and acid reflux. (No Tums in the house?)
· A mesh bumper that lines a crib’s interior so no limbs can protrude from the death trap. There’s also the mesh tent to fit over the crib to thwart any escape attempts. I was under the assumption the point of crib was to keep the baby from rolling or crawling off to its doom while sleeping or being confined for other reasons. Thus the bars.

Item that took it too far: The aluminum and plastic fire ladder that is unrolled and lowered out the window in case of emergency. (The ladder is so lightweight and simple, even a 3-year-old can remember how to finagle this thing as flames and smoke consume his Pooh-themed room.)


For parents who not only deem safety No. 1 but also like to woefully coddle their children and shower them with frivolous creature comfort, the catalogue had plenty to offer. I implore parents who submit to these products to plainly admit that their lives and their households are fervently controlled by their kids.

Items included:

· A foldable, portable toilet “perfect for road trips!” Also the padded, foldable toilet seat cushion to place over hard, filthy, urine-stained toilet seats when your child must pee-pee away from their cushy home potty.
· As booster seats and high chairs at restaurants become woefully unacceptable, now there is a portable table chair that hooks onto any table. The chair is fully padded from top to bottom and “supports baby’s spine, head and neck.” There’s also the more simple Cooshie Booster that is billed as “soft, comfy and downright calming.”
· A tray to fasten into the car seat or stroller that provides a wide, flat surface, a cup holder and a tray for crayons.
· A stroller that offers toddlers the choice to either ride comfortably under the cover or stand up at the back while being pushed. Oh what choice!
· The lawn chair that straps to the back of luggage for the one time a stroller is inaccessible and walking is completely out of the question.
· According to the catalogue, car booster seats leave your child’s small legs dangling, causing poor circulation and numbness. For the frightened parent who likes to coddle their child as well, there’s the footrest that doubles as table that makes “your child’s booster feel like an easy chair.” If only it would make them shut up too?
· The alternative booster seat that the magazine titles “The Booster For Kids Who Hate Boosters. It’s roomier, it’s extra cushy” No further explanation needed.

Item that took it too far: The grotesque bath setup that includes a 56-piece magnetic number and letter set to place all over the tiled tub wall, a padded fish to cover that hard and ugly tub fixture, a plastic drain valve cover to protect against pinching and curious fingers, a basket that hangs across the tub for toys, a mesh net that suctions to the side of the tub wall for extra tub toys, a suctioning mirror with tray for still further toys, an organizer for the bathroom corner to house all the bathtub toys your kid forgot he had and a pitcher that shields baby’s eyes from suds while rinsing shampoo from baby’s hair (“Keep your eyes shut!” has grown ineffective).

I say people should just put their kids in giant padded hamster balls so that they do not risk touching anything or falling anywhere. And who knows, maybe they’ll make the balls sound proof.

Coming tomorrow: I get serious and try to figure out why this catalogue exists.