The day I crapped out Chewbaca

By Hellion

They never would have found out had Chewbaca’s head and Han Solo’s DL-44 blaster pistol not surfaced in my crap. But there they were – Han’s weaponry and what was left of Chewy – lodged haphazardly in my feces.

Never had my waste been brought to my attention. I crap and usually every week someone comes along and scoops it up and pleasantly discards of it. It was during this duty that what I had done was discovered.

I don’t know why I did it. I was probably just being young and stupid, as I was so often back then. It’s what got me my name, after all. But as I recall, there was a whole box of this stuff, a whole cast of characters. There was Andre the Giant, Kermit the Frog, E.T., one of the guys from Reservoir Dogs, Carmelo Anthony, Popeye, one or two Hot Wheels cars, Han Solo and, of course, Chewbaca. And as I remember, there were also two Pez dispensers – Batman and Robin – each with a package of candy.

It was the candy I was after. I don’t know how Han and Chewy got thrown into the mix but once I started I couldn’t stop. For fun I dragged nearly all the carnage out to the backyard through the dog door. The plastic and most of the cardboard from the boxes I buried, not so much as to hide the evidence, though. More out of instinct than anything.

How can I prevent this from happening next time? To start, when I destroy something – Star Wars figures or otherwise – I should take the time to thoroughly chew it beyond recognition. However, candy should never be left where a dog can get to it, much less in a box full of valuable collectibles.

Make it be known, I was after the candy. Han and Chewy were unfortunate collateral damage. But if candy is left out again, there’s no telling who might get in the way, although I can’t imagine crapping out Andre the Giant’s boots.