Some thoughts on Identity Theft

With my bank-issued debit card set to expire next month, I anxiously awaited a new card, hopefully with a later date imprinted on it. The card finally came with about 10 days to spare. Without my request, the precious-metal level had been upped on my shiny new card from gold to platinum. I was honored and ready to spend. But first, as always, I had to call a special number to activate it, for security reasons I'm sure.

Before activation, I was treated to a brief message about how I should pony up money for credit reports on a regular basis, you know, since we live in this dangerous time of identity theft and don’t you realize your credit is the most important thing in your life? I value my credit as much as the next but somehow tuned this message out.

Then it was on to activating my ATM card. After punching in a few numbers I was finished, but they wanted me to stay on the line for an important message. What was this important message about? Identity theft. For about a minute, a soothing yet firm recorded female voice warned me of the increasing dangers of identity theft. All I had to do to protect myself was sign up for a special protection program that would cost $4.95 a month. They would handle the rest. Press 1 to sign up or press 2 to foolishly pass. I pressed 2. But that wasn't the end. The female voice came back a bit harsher, a bit more urgent, speaking more precise and stern. She repeated her warnings of identity theft, asking if I was sure I wanted to put my sacred and irreplaceable identity foolishly on the line. I pressed 2 again, hung up then went and hid under my covers.

The dire warnings, the pleading, the urging, the attempt to fill me with fear about identity theft got me thinking about this new "crisis."

Identity theft seems to be everywhere. Rather the advertisement of identity theft seems to be everywhere, with credit card companies/banks being the first to warn and ultimately protect you from the identity thieves. (I bet everyone can name a current identity theft TV commercial)

Now the first question should be, when did banks and credit card companies start caring so much about the consumers they have centered their business on screwing over? We all know that there's only one thing they care about. Profit . . . and screwing you over, which to them is redundant.

So the epidemic of identity theft has gotten so bad that it is starting to cut in to the profits of the banks and credit card companies?

I'll go one further. It's all about fear. Who knows who this fear benefits. But just like the war on drugs (hello crack), welfare mothers, stranger crime, terrorism, airplane crashes, monkey pox, SARS, nuclear holocaust, kidnappers, Communism, anthrax, satanic cults, satanic lyrics and so on, identity theft is just the latest thing we have been told to fear. (The whys of fear are numerous but most center on the fact that fearful citizens are a) good consumers/great for business and b) manage to stay pretty orderly. Oh, and politicians know fear equals votes. What's the one issue Republicans still have an edge over Democrats on? Terrorism. They're the ones who will protect you from the bad men. If it were up to Democrats, your commute and your life would be cut short today by a dirty bomb).

With the fear of identity theft, the banks have at worst manufactured it or at best merely piled on, seeing it as a convenient way to take a little more of our money.

Identity theft even has a scary name. Identity theft. Your identity, the thing that makes you you, is being stolen by a faceless, hooded thieve.

But really, as far as I know, identity theft can be someone who came upon your credit card number from who-knows-where and uses it to fill up the car with gas and head on to Best Buy to get some awesome stereo equipment (this actually happened to us). I wouldn’t really say they stole our identity.

Now, I'm not saying that identity theft isn’t real or can't do damage on peoples lives. I'm just wondering if identity theft isn’t a little overblown. I'd also like to know who is profiting from it.

Now I'm going to go check my credit report, then buy a new security system for my fall-out shelter gun closet.