The dangers of stuffed animals

Estimated reading time: 2 minutes 17 seconds

Crisscrossed communication led us both to perform similar acts on the same day. I was in Tempe, AZ, the other performer in Kearney, Neb.

The mission was to infiltrate a toy store and blend in as oversized, motion-detecting stuffed animals. As unsuspecting children walked past we would offer phrases using an electronic-sounding voice.

Phrases would be of standard fare such as “I love hamburgers and “reading is fun.” But it was the more specific phrases like, “Hey you in the blue hoodie,” that got the most amazement from passers-by.

The mix up between us would have gone undetected had he – posing as a giant stuffed chimpanzee – not sent a panicked third-grader to the emergency room. After the chimp advised the boy to pull his finger from his nose, the child attempted to pummel the great ape.

Sustaining a shot to the midsection, the chimpanzee subdued the boy with a figure-four leg lock, pinning him on the floor even as he tried to escape. Seeing an oversized stuffed toy suddenly become animated sent the kid into hysterics and ultimately to the ER.

It was a story made for the wire services and local newscasts looking for odd national news for filler. Only after seeing the absurd story in the national press did shoppers from the Tempe store come forward with reports of an “oversized stuffed panda acting suspiciously human-like.”

This set off a media frenzy with dozens of other similar reports. Whether there was any truth to these reports I doubt. Thankfully I and the Nebraska performer, whose name I never learned, retained our cover and no substantiated human connection was ever made to the cases.

However, overwhelming news coverage began to cite “a growing trend of out-of-control stuffed animals” and an “epidemic of crazed plush toys.” A widely circulated study, commissioned by a prominent electronics manufacturer, offered reams of anecdotal evidence of stuffed animals choking, strangulating, tripping, mocking and blinding youngsters in Japan, England and throughout North America.

It wasn’t long before Congress introduced legislation barring all stuffed animals and/or plush toys standing 4 feet, 6 inches or taller.

And who says Americans don’t fear all the wrong things?

(This bit was edited out completely from a short story I am currently working on. I thought it was sort of funny but it was extraneous from the story. Look for a story with similar feats sometime in the future.
By the way, this piece was inspired by the book by Barry Glassner called The Culture of Fear. I highly recommend. I also highly recommed Butterball turkey bacon and Polaner All-fruit fruit spread. Strawberry is my favorite. Low in calories but packed with serious flavor.)