Thoughts on eye patches

I recently discovered why pirates and sailors are always shown wearing eye patches. You're probably thinking it has something to do with those bowed machetes pirates enjoy brandishing or perhaps just some hard living on the open seas. But you'd be wrong.

Turns out it has nothing to do with injured or defective eyes. Ah, maybe it's something with the eye patch helping them look through a telescope. Again, incorrect.

Here's the deal: Often times on a boat, a captain would have to go from the bright light of day above deck to the dank darkness below deck and quickly performing critical maneuvers. When going below deck, he removes the eye patch and has one eye that is instantly accustomed to darkness.

They may have been barbaric and slovenly, but when it comes to quickly acclimating one eye to darkness, pirates were a brilliant group of seamen.

This raised some further issues regarding eye patches.

Have eye patches ever been portrayed in a non-maritime-related movie for reasons other than a) an easy way to identify a villain; b) an easy way to identify a lunatic; or c) used as some sort of metaphor for shortsightedness?

The answer, simply, is no. This is certainly unfair as I'm sure there are some standout citizens out there who wear eye patches. However, when encountering someone with an eye patch in real life, the initial reaction is to think they are somewhat sinister.

I remember in high school there was one teacher who was known as "the crazy Vietnam vet" and then there was another teacher known as "the teacher with the eye patch." For most of my high school years, I assumed these two teachers were one and the same. In hindsight, I have to admit it makes such perfect sense. Now that I think of it, there was also a teacher with an artificial arm that had a hook on the end. He might've have been the crazy Vietnam vet. Or he might have been the teacher with the eye patch. Or maybe it's all the same guy, I'm not quite sure.

Thinking further, at what point does someone wearing an eye patch go from creepy to intriguing? What kind of position do you have to be in where an eye patch not only doesn’t hurt you but somehow elevates your status?

Certainly anyone in a creative field. You could play classical guitar, write sestinas or illustrate comic books, it wouldn't matter. But let's say you're a sculptor and you work with metal. You've got some talent and have established a bit of a following. You appear at art fairs around the country and do reasonably well. You're one of thousands of artists making work that is slightly different but somewhat indistinguishable from the next guy. In the end, we've all seen abstract curvature, kinetics and iridescent finishes.

Take that same artist, the same work and give him an eye patch. He goes from being gifted and determined to becoming a guru, a genius, a myth. He goes from being that promising sculptor from Minneapolis to being that distinguished, visionary sculptor with the eye patch with an inspired creative spirit.

On the opposite end, say you’re a middle manager wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and a stained tie working for a struggling communications company looking to hire a low-level accounts supervisor. You've already interviewed four people for the job, none of them terribly impressive. You have one interview left and you're really hoping that this one comes through. When that guy walks through the door with an eye patch, you have to admit you're a little disappointed. The eye patch is simply a variable you hadn't prepared for.

Now say the job comes down to two people, all things are equal except one has an eye patch. Whether you like it or not, that eye patch comes into play. If you hire the guy with the eye patch, it's because you consciously decided that the eye patch was irrelevant to the job at hand. Either that or you hire him simply because you couldn't not hire him because of the eye patch.

Who knows, despite initial reactions, perhaps an eye patch tends to help instead of hurt.

I can, however, think of one occupation where an eye patch is bad every time: Ice cream man. If you are driving an ice cream truck through a neighborhood looking for children to buy popsicles and gum and you're wearing an eye patch, fully expect your sales to fall by at least 60 percent. They'll fall by 75 percent if you have an eye patch and a fake arm with a hook. If you have an eye patch, a hook and you're a crazy Vietnam veteran, you just might be teaching high school somewhere.